Ruminating Rosey’s blog

What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone?

I said to a woman, in court and so on the record, 'Noone knows who the father of her baby is!". 

Two dates in one day...well, that was an ego boost,theortically anyway The first one I cut a little slack looks wise and met him for lunch and Whoaaa! He needed a lot more slack, poor guy. Personality wise he seemed nice but his looks and his laugh! Ohno! I realized half way through luch, he laughs like Fire Marshall Bill!! Oh..We chatted nicely, had a salad and I got the heck out of there!!

The the date with Jeffery. We met for what I thought was going to be a quick beer b/c he had to go to his parents'. Again the looks were in question. Which picture do I believe? The one where you are kind of cute or the one where your stare into the camera is a bit menacing? We all take bad photos but we don't all choose those bad shots for a dating wed site!!!

So anyway in person he wasn't bad looking, much less harsh looking. On to his personality...I knew he was mellow and thought I'd see how it presented itself in person. Ok also not bad. Not shy, just quite. He was polite and attentive, asked to hear the story about my ring. This is actually one of my tests and he passed it. We happily trade stories over a couple of beers. Then he said he wanted to go up the road to a nice restaurant. Ok I'll go with .....He took me to a world class teak house. Firstly, I was not dressed for it at all so I was a complete fish out of water...oh yeah plus Im a vegetarian. Oops He didn't realize it was a steak house until halfway through the meal even though it was plastered throughout the place. Again, nice conversation but I had to explain a lot of cultural references to him. He was brought up fundamentalist and never listen to rock music or watched tv...didn't know about Lance Armstrong bracelets...what planet is this guy from? I had to explain cultural references to my ex all the time since he is European and am looking forward to being with someone who has things like that as a basis of reference. I don't want to teach someone about life.

Then I said I was supposed to meet some friends so he sort of came along. How do shake someone who just bought you a great mean( I had side dishes...yummy)

Well, then he was the fish out of water! There ws loud, live music (he always listens t his music softly!), my friends were getting plastered and were loud and fun. (he is only now, in his 40's, beginning to drink) and well, while he was nice and friendly and again, attentive I felt awkward and not able to be myself. There is no way this guy could handle me!!! I'm not that wild but I'm way too wild for him!!!!

Now to Dr. October. We have been chatting again and are trying to schedule a time to see each other. I told him I had a few dates and would wait until after those to find out of I totally liked one of them to schedule and friends with benefits date. I know I know he is quite possibly seeing someone else too and yes when he drinks too much he can be anasshole..but I still feel really comfortable and safe and with a kindred fucked-up soul when I'm around him. We know each others ghosts and accept each other.  He called me a few times this week and we had really nice, emotionally open and extremely revealing conversation. He told me things he said he had never told anyone outside of a therapist's appointment. Yesterday he had to, for the first time, tell a person their loved one had died. We talked and talked. Oh, yeah, then had phone sex. LOL. oh...how funny is that...I am sorry but I think it is funny!!! Soccer mom had phone sex. I would never have done that a year ago.

I am having a good time. My idea of what I want out of dating is changing. I started out thinking I wanted to find the one but I have such great doubt that such a thing exists that I am happy for now dating around. Once I get into a stable work place I'll feel more like finding the one. Like I get to put in the order whenI'm ready.

Last night, on my date, I told him the story of how I got stranded in Scotland and to do the story justice I had to explain that I had been dumped by my Englishman. I told him I had never felt for anyone like I didnfor him and wasn't sure if I ever sold again. Is that what I'm looking for...ow I felt for him? I have always though that I gave him my heart and when he threw it back at me there was a piece missing. He still has it. Eoin has another piece. Tom another. And of course my ex. Maybe I can get that one back in the divorce settlement haha.

To what extent cana broken heart mend? 

Oh man, Dr. September is on the phone...is telling me about how he was an asshole to his fuck buddy on New Year's Eve. When he is alone with a women or in small group he's ok, he says but when he's in a bigger crowd he tuns into a giant asshole. I asked him why and he said he thinks he probably never got enough, the more people, the more attention he wants. The fact that he knows it but still does it....mostly when he is drinking.  Little does he know that I had him fucked with the night!!! I have a new friend who was coincidentally playing in the band that night and when Eric inevitability got up to sing he asked him his name and proceeded to freak hideout by knowing stuff bout him...sweet. So Eric is now sleeping with who women and has at least one more on hold. No one knows about anyone else except me, I know about them all but I'll be damned if I'd sleep with him now...they don't make condoms that big! Which could be taken to mean he himself is a giant dick or he is so skankified by sleeping around I would never endanger myself by sleeping with him.

So, who is my new friend you ask, ok no one is asking because no one is actually reading this but hey,.....who is my new friend you ask...well, I'll tell you...cryptically of course!

I don't have a name for him yet because the one I'm using with my girl friend is nit quite subtle and i'm not sure really if I want to talk about him here...maybe my reaction upon meeting him yesterday will have to suffice for now. Freaked me right out, I'll tell you that!!! Maybe now that the initial freak out is over I can deal with it. But maybe I just feel that way now nad when I meet him again I'll freak out again.

Meanwile Ex is continuing his sleep over party at my house. Why he thinks it is ok to sleep here every night I'll never know. I'm sure he doesn't want to be alone and all that but that falls under the ever growing catagory of NOT MY PROBLEM: NMP

ok so that last post was about my date...I could add more info...like I'm just not sure if I'm attracted tot he guy. Frankly I could hardly look at him. I was so fidgety, awkward. I felt like a fool. I seriously thought I was going to puke...what was that?

ok enough of that...back to the ex drama.

He has finally pulled his head out and thrown his girlfriend out. Lock stock and barrel. We went and picked up the car he leased for her...without her knowing it. Now, that might sound like a real ass move to involve myself in but I know enough about her to know it was the only way.Man was that car a gold mine.  Thee were letters, bills and receipts. One letter lay open on the passenger seat....it said...your licence has been suspended. Nice. She also had already crashed it, tearing off the side mirror and denting the fender and of the 15,000 miles allowed for one year she had already fut on 14,400...in just three months!!!! Holy shit!! So..he  had the car...and rented a uhaul and took everything of hers out of his apt...including washer dryer, couches and tv...plus all the stuff that was inher ca (ten garbage bags full) and put it all in her garage. That was New Years Eve. While he was gone I had to watch their baby!! Fun.  Actually she is a sweetie and I love babies. The next day he had to go to work but she didn't land until 7 hours after he took off  and they have no child minder so....yep I watched her again. Super easy sweet baby and did I mention...I love babies! So that meant she had to pick up her baby from me. I have a restraining order on her so she had to get a sheriff's escort. She came and got the baby at 3:15 in the am. Uh...why not wait till the morning and let the poor thing sleep? Nope the baby's need are not a priority.  So it was a fun night....and sinc ethan I've been busy helping ex photograph her text messages...close to 200 of them in the last 49 house. Did I mention she's crazy!!

ok I've got to go help one of my bouys find a shoe!!!! 

Update....oh my god I can't beleive I've got so much to catch up on and it is finally not freezing out a so I should be outside enjoying the day.

Here...I'll cut and paste an emai I sent out earlier....to whom? to Mr. October....

Following up on my text last night I thought I'd explain a bit. I am of course hesitant to do so but since we are open and honest enough to say , hey I've got a date...and considering the level of emotional intimacy we've achieved I thought/think it might be ok.I'm hoping we can maintain our friendship.... It I'm wrong please let me know. That came out wrong I mean if this is how the friendship can morph...whathtever!   Scan the mail and if it too much just skip it ok? Some of it does deal with you but more as a reflection of me...as a innocent bystander ...you know? I'm not accusing you of anything....far from it..ok?
 
What I feel I Learned about myself has to do with my marriage, my past relationships and what I think I need to watch for regarding rebound relationships.  I think you know that that my central complaints about Ludo (pre adultery) were that I felt emotionally neglected, romantically ignored and completely underappreciated. He was emotionally distant, just like my Dad and come to think of it most men I've been involved with. I guess I'm comfortable with it. I was raised like that and it feels safe, familiar. If someone in my family got attention it was usually followed by a beating so I learned to get by with out calling attention to myself. Most of the relationships I've been in, and granted they have been few, have been initiated by me. I was the pursuer (sound familiar?). And usually the men are a bit distant and while not NON-responsive certainly not reciprocating my level of intensity.  (sound familiar!) To memory I can think of only two times a guy was interested in me enough to initiate and let me know that they liked me. The first time it happened I was completely creeped out and probably rude and the second time was the guy I choose Ludo over. ONLY two times, I find that, in and of its self, strange considering how obviously fabulous I am ;-) !!!  So now to what I learned yesterday...the guy that joined Leah and her friend and I seems to like me and while he hadn't been obvious or anything I got the vibe.Very important point here.... I could, OF COURSE, be completed mistaken so like I said this is a reflection of me and my mind not necessarily any guy, just my projection, you follow ,yes?  It is complicated by the fact that while I think he is a nice guy there was definitely no WOW upon meeting him (that is another discussion...does there have to be that initial wow? or can it/ should it grow? ...like there are actual answers to these questions!!!)
So how did I feel when thought/think someone might like me? Like fleeing! Like puking. Seriously I was so uncomfortable with the idea I was close to being nauseated. I was anxious and jittery. I felt like a shifty- eyed petty thief, though I have know idea what that means. I felt like a complete retard. WTF!!! oh yeah, I AM a retard hahah So I can't ask WHY I feel like this I know why...as I said above...not used to it, brings up PTSD and of course add a little low self esteem and pain of adultary...gee I shold put this all on my match profile...I'm quite the catch!!!!
 
I'm not sure why I'm sharing this with you except I think you'll understand, not necessarily relate, but inderstand.  We all have our own healing to do. I am happy to discuss your stuff with you too so I hope you will utilize my amateur therapy services anytime!!! I'm not looking for answers either. I know alot of guys are solution oriented. I'm not looking for you to solve anything, I'm just hoping we can contribuate to each others recovery proscess. I know this will be out of the question should either of us get into a relationship...that would be inappropriate... but as be test the waters maybe we can still use each other as sounding boards...let me know if you are not comfortable with this. It is all about boundaries and I hope I am not over stepping one here.  
 
Thank for reading this diary entry!  Maybe that is where it belongs, not my out box....but I left amessage saying check you email....I'm a real mess. WTF
 
 
 

Well, things just keep getting weirder and weirder around here. Swinging wildly. Ludo showed up a a half an hour before I was supposed to drop the boys off at his place. He and Micheel had had a huge fight. She even hit him. He seems finally over it. Of course, I have thought that before too. He had spent the night before in a hotel.  He has been sleeping here since then. He told me that Michelle threw my $500 prescription sunglasses out the car window. What a stupid bitch. I went over to his place and got a bunch of his paper work for him. She had opened at least three credit cards in his name. She had opened the Bloomingdales and Neiman Marcus envelopes and had taken the cards. He had to make a police report and put out a fraud alert on his credit rating. What a fool he's been. It was so obvious what she was doing. I can't believe he has let it go on for so long. And of course it is good ole' Carrie to the rescue. He is so far in debt that I think he might as well claim bankruptcy. I can get tons of credit and help him but I have no ganutee that he wont go back with her in a week and turn against me again.I told him he needs to get the lease car she is driving. I said we could get it after she leaves for her flight tomorrow. If he really wants to get her out of his life that would provide it to me. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression and think I want him back. There is no feeling way I'd take him back.

What was the best movie you saw this year?

This year I watched 'The Best of Youth' for the first time. It is the best movie I saw. I absolutely lived it.

My first Christmas in the divorce. I can't say after divorce because we're still technically married. I could sy alone, my first Christmas alone but have I ever felt anything but alone. Certainly in my marriage I felt alone. So I'm glad to have the chance to have a life not in an unhappy marriage.

Last evening I went to a friends' home for dinner with them and their kids. The food was delicious and the conversation was nice. I came home around 10, took care of hte dogs and went to bed. I ended up crying, not quite crying myself to sleep since I wasn't crying when I fell asleep but it was a good sob before I slept. I woke up witha killer sinus headache. So here I am. I iced my face. I took ibuprofen. I took and shower and did a neti pot.

The house needs to be tidies and the dishes need to be done before the kids come home. Over four hours to go until they come home.

I never realized how much I need people around me now. I used to feel comfortable alone. I loved it, treasured it. I made a point of living alone for my whole pre-married life. But now I have the urge to reach out. To be eith people. Am I afraid of my thoughts so want to distract myself? There could be so mayn reason. The isolation of divorce, adultery and starting over at 40.  gotta let the dog out...

Dumb ass move of the day. This is truly unbelievable tell if you disagree...I Dildo(ex) picked up my precious boys at about 11 this am. It is Christmas eve and I'll get them back tomorrow at noon. So, my first year after he left me for his knocked up psycho-skank flight attendant he has the kids on Xmas nads new years and isn't giving me money...oh shit I digress. So I went to the mall. I had to get out of the house and there are no good movies in town. I ended up in a Hallmark store looking at webkinz. I texted him to ask if he had already gottem them webkinz and he returned a text saying he didn't even know what they were but that he needed a cd of Vivaldi. Later, at the other end of the mall I was in borders and called him to ask if he wanted any particular piece of Vivaldi and he said he didn't know. I asked if it was for Michelle. He said yes. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

So basically what he asking me to do is pick up a present for the woman he left me for. Now this is netto say our marriage was god or that it wouldn't have ended but he cheated on my with her,got her pregnant and eventually left me and is now living with her. What a shit head. No?

I got a few reality checks from friends on this and now I'll hold my private bitch session here...Dildo called and said psycho-skank (PS) wanted to get the boys the one big present that I'd been planning on giving them. It is the one gift all the kids and grown ups want. Yes, the wii. I didn't have the money since Dildo has abandoned us with no money. So my elderly Mom sent the money. I had to go through quite a hassle getting the check cashed and now that I have the cash....well, I have already stood inline several times and have a friend in the USAF who will try to find it at a BX. Now she says she wants to get it for them. I asked him if he didn't see how that woulds bother me. No, it is nice of her. No, I said she is trying to usurp my position as their mother. It went on and on...he said I had been a terrible wife and I said he was a shitty husband. Funny, if we had argued more DURING our marriage maybe we could have saved ourselves a lot of this pain.  Then it came to discussing custody for Xmas week. That's right- it is the 22 and there is no set schedule. Shitty. Blah blah blah...conflict- hang ups -crying- text messages and then we talked again and settled on a schedule that I came up with. It is always me who has to come up with things and then I get called bossy. So he'll have them Xmas eve till noonish on Xmas. Then I'll have them for 24 hours. Then him for three days then me for 2 then him for one and back to me. This is a problem!! I don't want my kids shuttled back and forth, shot back and forth like hockey pucks.

On the up side I can distract myself...maybe get together with Doc S? Oh god...is that really what I'm thinking? My life is falling down around me and I want to run off and have a night of martini's and sex.

time for a shower and a cup of coffee and then I've got to clean the house.